To Ahmad, from Mom

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Baby Ahmad,

I hope you are well and happy. You are in the company of angels.

Sometimes I wonder if you remember me or not, but then I reassure myself that you do remember me. How can you forget the intimate bond we shared? The world may forget you because for them you never existed, but we both will always remember and long for each other.

I am very sorry over the way you had to leave me. The doctor pulled you away from me. Then you were left in a laboratory to be studied over. They must have cut you open to find out what happened wrong. You left my body a few days before that actually happened so it’s a consolation to know you must have not felt the pain.

I am ashamed over the fact that I didn’t cry hard enough for you when you left. Believe me, I was not heartless. I was trying to be strong for you and myself. I tried taking comfort in the fact that you came by the Will of Allah and then returned back to Him, by His Will. So I told myself time and again that it was in the best interest of you and me. But now, I feel like a heartless mother who did not shed enough tears on your demise. I have no reason for that. May be I did not cry because I knew Allah will bring something good out of it. I always had hope, you see. And hope can be a dangerous thing.

Soon after you left, people started asking me why you left. They started probing the possible causes. What answer could I have given them? If it were a matter in my hands, you would be here sitting beside me, fully alive. But I had no control over your passing away. You slipped right through my hands and all I could do was bear the physical pain and absorb the emotional one. My near and dear ones, my family.. which was going to be your family too supported me through this time. Especially your father. Both your grandmothers cried for our pain, your pain and mine. Within a week, all that was left as a reminder of you was a big scar on my belly. Today, after two years, the only reminders I have is that same scar, a set of baby shoes which you never got to wear, and a positive pregnancy test report. You see, I saw you only on those sheets of paper with gradually increasing HCG levels. I never saw you anywhere else.. May be that was better. If I had seen you on an ultrasound, I would have completely broken my heart over you. I may not have been able to cope with your loss. Nor your father. Nor the family which was very soon going to be your family too.

Ahmad, you and I share a very special bond that perhaps not many know. If there is one reassurance I have of our relation, it is that God acknowledges it. He brought you to me as the shining light of hope I desperately needed at that time. I still don’t know why you had to go, but in sha Allah, in the next life, if Allah makes me worthy, I will ask Him why you had to go. I cannot question Allah of course, but I will just want to know. The pain I felt while you were going away was beyond anything I had felt physically till then. I so vividly remember the presence of Allah with me in that extremely painful time. I couldn’t talk to your Nani; I was trying to be so strong for the both of us and for your father.

I often wonder how it would have been if that day Allah had taken me with you. You were already gone and two years into the future I still don’t know what to hope or live for. So why didn’t He make it easy for me that very moment? I don’t have the answer to that. May be I still have something to live for in this world that I don’t know of yet. I constantly ask Allah to give me direction. I constantly ask Him to save me from this feeling of drowning that your presence could have saved me from. I don’t know, I don’t know at all. Faith requires so much strength, Ahmad. I am trying to be strong.

Should I tell you if I miss you or not? It would be something redundant to even mention because our relation is of such nature. As the months rolled by, my hope kept decreasing. And now, it has been two years. If you were here, I would have been a very happy, very proud mommy because not everyone gets a son like you. I am very lucky indeed. You would have been my best friend, but that we already are my dear. I would have taught you how to pray, how to make dua, I would have tried my best to make you a good Muslim, but that too, you already are. You are with my Rabb, with my Allah so you are in the best company. You were conceived Muslim and the evil of this world never touched you, so you returned to Allah as a Muslim.

Ahmad I miss you so much. I miss you so very, very much. But I am proud of you nevertheless. I had never felt myself as beautiful as when I felt when I was with you. Only you seem to have that magic on me. I was a beautiful, young woman again full of life. So you see, you made your mama so happy, just like good sons always do.

I hope to see you one day and then by the permission of Allah, there will be no more separation and no more loss, no more sorrow.

With lots of love from your father, your Nani and Nana,
Only yours, mama.

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