A letter to Allah

letter-to-allah

“This world is designed to break your heart. If you are looking for happiness, then you are in the wrong duniya (place).”

I heard these lines in a lecture a few days back and couldn’t agree more.

A few months back, my topic of idle conversation with my husband would be how this life is just a marathon of duties and responsibilities, how days in and out all you try to do is complete your pending to-do lists and how even a child cannot fulfill that deep hollow within you sometimes feel. If this is what adult years are all about, then how happy we were in childhood years of ignorance and bliss.

I was wrong.

I have never been truly happy except when I was with you, O Allah.

When I finished university, the normal course of life would be to look for a job. In my case, I got it rather easily. The next step in the life of an ordinary girl like me would be to get married, which I also did rather easily. Alhumdullilah. I went to my new home under the protection of the prayers of both my parents and under the blessings of Almighty Allah who was willing to listen to their prayers for me. Then, life got mundane. My whole day was no less than a race; waking up early morning to go to a monotonous job, coming back in the evening only to sit straight with in laws and go to bed late and tired with an aching back and an overwhelming drowsiness, only to start it all over again. But for what? I lacked purpose. I had no children to feed, my husband was away in Muscat visiting every 15 days, my family was away since I was living with my in laws. Add to that, I felt my old friends were changing and distancing themselves from me ever since I got married. May be they thought I was different now since being married meant my life priorities and interests changed. It hurt a lot but it couldn’t be helped. I got very lonely. Very soon, the apparent lack of purpose of my life started bothering me. I silently questioned the turn my life had taken without any intention of changing anything about it. I was looking at the world in an outward fashion, whereas, the world inside me needed changing.

Plainly put, I was ignorant towards the needs of the soul.

And then, O Allah, you came into my life. And you changed everything about it.

I was the kind of adamant fool who didn’t want to pray out of fear of becoming “uncool”. I knew I had it in me to change drastically for something I believed in so I didn’t even try going that way. How do you rectify such a stubborn person? May be I should rephrase this question; how do you even want to rectify such a stubborn person?

O Allah, You sent my life in such a frenzy that I was bound to run to you for comfort. My life spiraled out of my control and all that was left for me to do about it was to hold onto You to maintain my sanity. For some time, namaz became my only place of comfort. It was a terrible, terrible time and You know how it was for me. Only You knew my fears and worries. I am so glad that I found You. I sent so many heartfelt and desperate prayers Your way and You listened to each and everyone of them. I still remember the day I sat and cried my heart out on the prayer mat thinking there could be no way out of the mess I was in, but surely Allah will make a way out for me. I saw Your Mercy and Your wonders beautifying my life very shortly after that tearful experience on the prayer mat that evening.

Since then, You have continued beautifying my life for me. Every single day You watch over me while I sleep, and You comfort me when I come out of a nightmare. Every day You feed me the best food and keep me safe from sickness and pain. Every day You show me a shining sun to show hope of Your Mercy is always there. Every day I get to enjoy the blessings of the human relations that You have created; my mother, my father, my brothers and my husband.

How can I not love You?

Who cannot love You? I really wonder. How blind that heart must be who does not see You in everything? And then I realized:

Happiness comes from knowing Allah. It comes from seeing His Hand in everything. When you see the way Allah handles your affairs, your heart might break out of love for Him. This love is so grand, so infinite that you fear Your heart will burst with it. You cannot contain this kind of love. It’s a love that takes over your life and then you see happiness everywhere.

I honestly thought the most comforting place Allah created was a mother’s lap. Then I was told, Allah loves you more than 70 mothers combined. O Allah, I found the kind of comfort I was looking for with You. My mother is your biggest blessing, hence the comfort I derive from her is actually a channel through which I experience Your love for me. I have never been so full, O Allah. It’s the kind of love that makes you smile out of contentment. I look back at those years I felt purposeless and pained and realized my heart was craving for You. Surely, with Allah’s remembrance, do hearts find rest. My lifeless, sinful heart found a home with You and now I want to be someone better each day of my life. You seem like a heartbeat away because You know my wishes before I even voice them.

What a beautiful love story where there are absolutely no heart breaks.

O Allah grant us the hearts that see You and grant us the tongues that praise and thank You without end.

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2 comments

  1. I love this. Some of them are just my feelings. And i wanted write this toom thanks for putting my feelings into words. Keep writing. May Allah be with you always.

    Like

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