Turning the page

How do you turn a new page? Especially when the page you should leave behind is the one you want to stay? 

Winter is back and with it comes memories of the beautiful winters of 2014 when I fell pregnant twice. They were both losses, but falling pregnant twice after five years of marriage was a big motivation for me that I can indeed get pregnant. Month by month, hope kept decreasing and now I am in the third year after that beautiful, lovely year. I am burdened with lost souls who never came to be and agonized at the prospect that it’s time to just let it all be. 

How do you just let it be when you want to keep going? When there are so many medicines and so many treatments available, both invasive and non invasive… when you’ve exhausted them all and it all goes to dust because God does not think it is the right time.

I love God for the pain He has given me. I am sure it endears me to Him but I am human and at this point, I feel standing at the edge of a hopeless abyss that can easily break my heart if I don’t guard it well. We both are so wounded and often go into a silent trance where we don’t have words to say to each other and this is what hurts the most. We don’t blame each other, after all, we have each other and that is the most powerful support in this time of grief. Me and Farhan, we never fell short of words. We are the kind of couple who would tell us the same stories for the 100th time and still enjoy it. But to not being able to say something about something as important as this, it’s a sad new first. 

People tell me to be hopeful, that God knows what is best for us, some even tell me not all things are meant for everyone. I know these consolations are meant well.. they are trying to make me see hope and light again. But it will take time to come out of this darkness of the heart, these spaces of time in which we are unable to talk to each other till I go crazy with grief for not only losing my would-be children but also my husband who has always been a friend first.

It feels absolutely dark from where I am standing. I make effort to keep my heart alive by never skipping a prayer. But when the time comes for dua, I wonder if I am allowed to ask for the same things I used to ask for until now. I stay silent at the time of dua, opening my helpless heart in front of Allah who definitely can decipher what I am unable to decipher about myself at the moment. I ask Him to give life to my dead heart… that’s all I am able to ask for right now.

I ask Him to hold me and Farhan close to Him because we are very fragile at the moment. We are treading on dangerous waters because it feels any moment our heart will break and we will lose what little hope we have left in life. I hope Allah protects our hearts and gives it enough life to go through this life gratefully. Ameen.

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