My four little angels,
I wanted to write to you today because I am tired of not being able to send through a message.
I want to tell you how lonely I am… how I see happy mothers everywhere I turn and I see how complete those women are because their children are with them.
There comes a time in a woman’s life when no matter what she has accomplished in life, biology and instinct takes the better of her and she is left with a hollow, gaping void inside her which cannot be filled except with the sweet laughter of a child she can call her own.
I did not think this feeling will take the better of me, but it did.
I came so close to having you only to have you go far away. But now at least I know you exist; not in this world, but in some other world and that Allah is the Most Merciful. One day, He will reunite us. So yes, in a way I am happy that you exist. My happiness lasts long mostly, but sometimes I cannot stop and realize the pain inside me which comes when I start counting the step and years and distances between us before we can finally meet. One day, I will see you all as perfect children, untouched by any malice but till then, your mother is going to dwindle painfully between waiting for you, being happy you exist somewhere far and trying to find direction in her life.
I want to tell you I am being strong and that Allah is Most Kind with me. He never left me alone to wander because He knows the emptiness I carry inside me. It is comforting to know you are with my Allah. He is taking care of me in this world and of you all in the next world.
I would give anything to hold you all in my arms but there is something Allah knows that we do not know. The separation isn’t going to be forever I am sure… And the reunion is going to be very sweet because Allah knows the pain and emptiness we all carry.
I just want to tell you I miss you. And as the rain pours outside and I sit alone in a quiet house, wishing it to be different, I cannot put in word how deep my longing goes.